Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

“March of the Penguins” (Penguin dudes wait for eggs to hatch): The suspense is killing me

Eggsasperating.

“The English Patient” (Burn victim remembers — long and hard): Suppuration anxiety

Ralph Fiennes in Boo Radley makeup: Roast and boast.

“Philadelphia” (Love lies a-bleeding in City of Brotherly Love): Foreign lesions

Tom Hanks: Fairy shyster, dread disease;/Weeps for Callas — Mary, please!

“Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle” (Hot monkeyman): Jungle rot

Christopher Lambert and friends: ‘Whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting bananas.’

“The Exorcist” (Dumpy girl possessed by Devil): Also known as adolescence

Linda Blair: Aye-uh . . . It’s a real pea-souper.

“Soylent Green” (Cheap futuristic food costs an arm and a leg): Don’t order the nuggets

Soylent Green and Chuck Heston: Green yecchs and ham.

“The Apartment” (Jack lends some execs/His apartment for sex — a comedy, sort of): Flat

Shirley MacLaine, Jack Lemmon: Chippie and dippy.

“Tea and Sympathy” (Homosexuality “cured” by heavy petting): Kerr collision

John Kerr, Deborah Kerr; sylvan whoopie: She kindly boinks that boy one day/So he’ll be neither sad nor gay!

“Bambi” (Cutesy-pie fauna choke in the smoke): Crispy critters

Live and burn.

“Gone With the Wind” (Poor little slaveowners lose war, wits, tempers, chattels): Tara-bull

Calculating Miss O’Hara/Loses Rhett and lives in Tara.